Pregnancy Questions And Answers
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
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There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both
hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around
her face.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you
should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around,
being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old; this
hat is brand new!"
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You have just received the Amish virus.
Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this
virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into
earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the
Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged
from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking
nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of
resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay.
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A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up
to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He
broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all
the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed
and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification
purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African
elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the
sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian
elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the
jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."
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MEDICAL
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press. No one will answer.
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's
busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...